Reflections from “Tales from the Office” #4: The Bathroom Incident(s)

Photo by Gabor Monori | Unsplash

Welcome to story number four in this #TalesFromTheOffice Recap Series.  If you’re just joining us, this week has been my last week working at a local Charter School.  I’ve been pulling stories out of the archives each day this week in hopes of giving you a glimpse of my life over the last eight years.  Scroll down to the bottom of this post for links to the other tales in this series.

Teenagers Are Crazy

Earlier this week I talked about how teenagers are dumb.  Well, that still holds true.  They’re also crazy.  Crazy about the opposite sex, crazy about their favorite bands, crazy about a lot of stuff.  I love kids, but boy am I scared to have my own.  Parents, the majority of you have ZERO idea about how your students truly behave, their choice of language, and what stuff they’re up to when you aren’t looking.  Your kids are also randy as hell.

Teenagers Are Horny

I apologize for the header here, but it’s true.  Perhaps my peers were just as sexually driven, but in my opinion the rising generation has some issues.  Perhaps it’s the ease of access to and the continued public adoption of pornography.  Perhaps it is because of the more pervasive use of sexual themes in our entertainment and media.  That darn rap music certainly doesn’t help.  Regardless of the cause, your teenagers are watching.  Even worse.. they’re experimenting. It breaks my heart to overhear students talking about engaging in sexual acts of any kind.  1) It never ends well.  2) They are nowhere mature enough to deal with the potential consequences of their actions.  Don’t even get me started on the girl who was bragging to her friends about going out underneath the bridge on an upcoming Friday night to “do it” with her then boyfriend.  Really?  You want your first time to be UNDER A BRIDGE?  Classy!

Teenagers Are Secretive

If I had a dollar for every time I heard the words “My child would never _____________,” I wouldn’t be writing this article.  I’d be sitting in my villa somewhere in Tuscany, calling for my butler to ready my Ferrari for a nice drive along the hills.  Yes your child would _________, yes they have ________________ and they will continue to _______________ until the cows come home.  They’re just not doing it under your nose.  So this leads me to….

Bathroom Incident #1

If we scroll back to 2010, we arrive at Bathroom Incident #1.  It was the second or third day before the end of the school year.  Things had been quiet for the most part, except for the massive girl fight, and the kid throwing a chair across the room, and the time we caught two students in the women’s restroom.  One of our staff members had been using the student restroom outside when she observed not just one, but TWO pairs of legs in one of the stalls.  Funny enough, one of them seemed a bit more hairy than the other.  Now, I’m not trying to imply that women must shave their legs, and I’m not saying that men can’t do so if they choose.  I’m just saying that one of these pairs of legs definitely belonged to a dude, a dude who was in one of the stalls of the women’s bathroom.  The staff member came up to the office to report her suspicion and enlist the help of another female staff member to investigate.  Sure enough when they went back there, they found Jimmy and Sally.  Except Sally was on her knees.  You can figure out the rest of that story.

Needless to say both parties were disciplined, and Jimmy was soon shipped off to his grandmother’s home outside of the US.  Sally, well, she had a lot of explaining to do to her very devout Christian family.

Bathroom Incident #2

While this did not begin in our bathroom, it certainly ended on our campus.  A student of ours was brought in by her boyfriend who said that she had been in the bathroom at a nearby park.  He went in to check on her after an extended period of time and found her passed out on the floor.  He then stated that he began to escort her back to campus and that she had passed out multiple times on the .75mi walk.  When she arrived, the student was pale, lethargic, and was exhibiting signs of shock.  He informed us that she was on her period, and that it may be contributing to her symptoms.  My training as a lifeguard kicked in and I was quick to suggest that we call 911.  Any time someone passes out without a direct and identifiable cause, you make the call, and we did.

Let me pause for just a moment.  The boyfriend?  Bad news.  He was a former student, and had been released from our program some time before for causing trouble.  How he and this girl got involved is beyond me.  Regardless, he has a knack for lying through his teeth, and I took everything he was saying like I would a four day old piece of fish… straight into the garbage.

The paramedics showed up, began their tests, and determined that the female student should be transported to the hospital.  The boyfriend made it very apparent that he was unsure of why she could have passed out.  He seemed overly concerned about her condition and practically demanded to ride in the ambulance with her.  Like we would ever let that happen.

Returning to our conference room to clean things up, we noticed a bit of blood on the seat where the female student had been sitting.  Collaborates with the boyfriend’s claim that she was on her period, but that doesn’t account for her other symptoms.  Our counselor suggested that perhaps she had left her tampon in too long and was suffering from Toxic Shock Syndrome.  Then again, that too didn’t really feel right.  That left one other option, one that everyone was considering, but nobody was saying.  They were “involved.”

Sure enough, the hospital confirmed that the student had recently “popped her cherry.”  Her body didn’t know how to react, went into shock, and took a nice $2,000 ride to the ER.  OOPS!  Bet that’s gonna be just as memorable as bridge girl’s first time.

Teenagers Are In Dire Need of Good Role Models

In each of these cases, the families involved have their own struggles.  One comes from a broken household where there is a tense relationship with the stepfather.  Another comes from a single parent household where Mom is constantly focusing on the brother and his challenges with autism.  Another is adopted, rescued from a mother who was addicted to hard drugs.  Each of the students involved here could have used a stronger role model.  All the education in the world cannot replace properly instructing your students in the safety of your home.  The Educational System does not exist so that parents can disavow the responsibility to raise their children.  We exist to SUPPLEMENT what you are already teaching.  Don’t make us the babysitters.  Teach your kids, nurture them, love them, and listen to them.  Despite what they may tell you, they have plenty to share, and they want you to listen.

#TalesFromTheOffice Recap Series


Christopher is a bonafide pizza snob, and loves spontaneous adventures to wherever the skies deem fit.

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1 Response

  1. March 11, 2017

    […] Thursday – The Bathroom Incident(s) […]